HEPP Quarterly #3, Vol 51

Historical Earth Philosopher’s and Physician’s Quarterly, Issue #3, Vol 51

July 1, 2369

Transmitted by the editors with the utmost respect for Her Highness, Sheila, Queen of the Joint Federation of Universal Beings.

FROM DATA archives recently unearthed at the original Federation’s hidden cache near the first manned base on Mars, researchers have discovered new insights into the minds of our fore-beings who once yearned for the knowledge we now take for granted. While all beings should be warned that many of these ancient thoughts will seem simplistic if not immature, even elementary students at the Universal University of Uranus should recognize the relevance of this unsophisticated data to our present understanding of the cosmos.

In particular, from the earnest letters and musings of Sherman and Bamboo (see article from our January, 2275 issue, titled “Two Old Men; Too Many New Ideas”) we found many new clues indicating how their unusual and conflicting arguments were developed.

Arguments, of course, were once common to single-brained humans. There has been much recent speculation on when mankind first discovered that two brains, working cooperatively, are better than one. For most of the last century, Joint Federation scientists have steadily maintained that historical clues prove women were the first of the species to recognize this truth (see article from March, 2301 issue, titled “Sexuality and Separate Rest Rooms for the Ancients”).

While the evolution of more than one brain may have been inevitable for the modern woman, now even without the assistance of the latest imagination enhancement chips for our tertiary lobes we may discern certain behavioral patterns of the early 21^st century which once dramatically impacted the common conclusions of very different men.

THE LETTERS:

The language of these men was, as expected, suspiciously vague for the times. While imaging their short and brutal lives, we found we must constantly remind ourselves of the natural limitations of individual brains working against and not with each other.

Their words were curiously inscribed on crude digital data discs and transmitted slowly via wired small-band servers. Presumably they spent many earth hours constructing their correspondence, pecking away with their fingers on unstable “letter boards” like those discovered in the ruins near New Australia. Considering the pain that ancient man must have endured during such a disturbing process, most researchers remain convinced that this was not the original purpose of human fingers.

Most significantly we found that their correspondence would often be staggered by as little as one earth week or several earth months and sometimes as long as several earth years. There is no clear reason given for such a delay but it is estimated, based on other interrelated findings, that these brief interludes were necessary for the proper function of early man’s limited brain activities. Some researchers confirm that up until that time generic human communication was often restrained, agreement among men was a rarity and it may have taken ancient man many earth years to reach any reasonable conclusion on anything.

While their resolutions were useful if not often spectacular considering their conditions, there is now hard proof that these men were not the saints we once believed them to be.

For example, Sherman’s letters prove the damning accusation that he was in fact a meat eater. He writes that he enjoyed the regular ingestion of roasted beasts which once roamed free on earth, even remarking on the delectable and now unthinkable taste of what were once horridly described as “sweet meats” by the native populations. Unfortunately, to the regret of some of our hardier historians, his description of how a goose’s liver may have been extracted from the body and prepared for eating may be lost forever. But we can only imagine how any being, with one brain or many, could think clearly with all that carnage in her body.

Bamboo, while only mildly suggesting he practiced the same primitive diversions, was more typically prone to wandering the western frontier in search of cheap alcohol and recreation. He generally recounted exaggerated travel stories of the kind we now often imagine coming from drunken voyagers to the outer limits, annoyed his reader with endless trivial details of a minute scope, and told repetitive tales of meeting countless benumbed men who were, most likely, just like him.

It is now believed these and other disparate behaviors certainly affected their limited thinking in many ways. Yet, we must ask our automated analysis capacitors, how did they reach agreement so often and so easily?

Think “Yes” to learn more.

Think “Next” to imagine the next article.

Think “Home” to exit and return to your main programming.

Long live the Joint Federation!

Cheers,

Mb