Awkward Gifts

There was a time many moons ago, long before Play Stations and I-Pods, when practical gifts where the expected norm among adults during the holidays. Women looked forward to new robes and slippers to replace the old ratty ones they wore the year before and men were, well, satisfied with gifts like six-packs of tube socks and tiny nose hair trimmers.

It’s highly likely that somewhere on this planet those kinds of common expectations linger. Christmas is much more of a diverse cultural celebration than it once was, if you didn’t know. Many people around the world, irregardless of their individual differences, do observe the yuletide season in their own ways. It’s not unusual anymore to find Japanese-speaking Santa Claus impersonators or even Turkish bazaars hawking the latest Chinese-made-battery-operated gizmo for the kiddies this time of year.

But here in America we are just more experienced with the issue of gift giving than most of the other corners of the world. Unlike most other humble nations, we also have a Texas-sized reputation to maintain when it comes to personal extravagance. For these reasons we, perhaps better than others, understand that even the simplest gift may come with a lofty price tag.

While many of us may attempt to put a cap on the price, to sort of level the playing field among the practice of giving, there are still those who refuse any such practical discipline. Cotton handkerchiefs and bubble bath just won’t do for those few whose egos and stock portfolios demand they spend lavishly to prove their love for their fellow humans.

Consequently, this unequal state of seasonal giving between the common American gifter and giftee may often result in something less than global peace and joy, rather an awkward silence, embarrassment, and even a confusing degree of mutual self-doubt.

Take, for example the latest lavish gift given by the Commissioner of Major League Baseball to the game, the nation, and the Major League Baseball Players Association (MLBPA).

No average holiday shopper can read the sprawling title of this gift, “The Report to the Commissioner of Baseball of an Independent Investigation into the Illegal Use of Steroids and Other Performance Enhancing Substances by Players in Major League Baseball”, without feeling a bit overwhelmed.

The nearly 500 page report was initiated by retired Senator George Mitchell at the behest of Commissioner Bud Selig back in March, 2006, and was finally, luckily delivered by the busiest little elves on December 13, 2007, just in time for holiday reading.

Some say that over the 20 month span of Mitchell’s investigation the report cost about $1 million a month to research and finalize. Most American gift givers, even those leathery oil barons who camp their mansions along the Brazos in the Republic of Texas, would enviously call that an extravagant price.

In fact, this particular Christmas gift is so big and so consuming that General Issue citizens were apt to look away as it was opened, shuffling their feet and talking fast, trying to hide the awkward embarrassment as it settled among the ribbons and brightly colored wrapping paper. Some, presumably humbugs who bristle when faced with such profound indulgence, refused the gift, saying the giver was just being pompous, overly generous or clearly ill-informed.

In the case of the Mitchell Report, the revealing tone of the holiday era is established with the first sentence of the summary: “For more than a decade there has been widespread illegal use of anabolic steroids and other performance enhancing substances by players in Major League Baseball, in violation of federal law and baseball policy.”

Obviously, that confounding summary could frustrate the festive mood of our most stubbornly merry citizens.

But, if we choose to ponder the intent of this report, we could say there is a truth about holiday gifts which seems to be just outside the strike zone for many of the avid humbugs and detractors of our times. Maybe they’ve forgotten the Ghost of Christmas Past or refuse to accept that often The Wife gets a new electric filet knife or Craftsman table saw for perfectly good, if not obtuse reasons. The American Male, in particular, is prone to giving innocent children gifts that are fondly remembered but that the children neither want nor know what to do with. Electric train sets and Lincoln Logs immediately come to mind …

One can’t help but feel that, like Lincoln Logs, this particular gift of The Mitchell Report is one of those that keeps on giving but is definitely more significant to the giver rather than the receiver.

We can all imagine the Commissioner’s predicament. All he wanted for Christmas was a unique gift that nobody was willing to give him. He needed a little proof to help reign in the runaway sleigh. He asked for just a few white snowflakes of evidence to grease the skids. So he went out and bought it all for himself.

Can we blame him?

The problem is that this unique gift smells really bad. Perhaps the expiration dates for whatever this turkey was stuffed with were not clearly documented. The foul scent of what the Commish bought may be detected in an icy insinuation buried deep within the summary which expands frozen details in regard to the scope of the lengthy investigation: “The Players Association was largely uncooperative.”

Well, as American Christmas gift-giving experts, we’ve all seen that kind of childish reaction before, haven’t we? Clearly the MLBPA was expecting something less dramatic and more practical for the holidays.

Yeah … probably tube socks.

Cheers,

Mb