The Guilty Head: Legacy of False Positives

Saturday, November 01, 2008

Legacy of False Positives

Let's review the empirical facts together.

About 3:30 this morning I was in the middle of another nightmare, right? But this time I was able to initiate a trusted procedure. Just as the dream was getting really hot, the scene paused. I saw myself down below me and a little word box popped up above my head. The word box read:

A. Continue
B. Fast forward past previously experienced events
C. Skip to another theme
D. End and wake up

So, I chose D and immediately shuddered to an awakened state.

I'm being honest here. I've had to work very hard over the years to train my imagination to do this.

(Truthfully, “C” rarely works correctly but it's worth trying. And you might ask, why would I ever chose “A”? The answer is that some nightmares are actually rewarding in an odd way. I also have another option for less disturbing dreams which is “Return to previously experienced events” which I sometimes select in an attempt to “perfect” the sequence of the dream and my responses to it. I find that a very satisfying tactic since, after a few successful do-overs, the dream eventually leaves me forever.)

I crawled off my cot into the kitchen, made a cup of instant coffee, then dragged my tired ass back to the computer. Opened the mail, deleted all the Viagra offers, paid my respects to fabulous Studs Terkel, and then read a Newsweek selection passed to me from a devout Rocky Mountain Atheist.

Word of caution, empty room in a drafty little house, 3:45 am is not a good time to read that article. There are better times of the day to come face to face with the fuzzy conclusions which hide between delusion and illusion. And there's some frightening parts in there that I had to skip through rather quickly otherwise scare myself shitless.

Naturally, I agree with the concept that atheists and skeptics are abnormal across the broader population. And it does not surprise me that the authors of this article searched out California to discover a “professional empiricist” who is convinced he is the reincarnated spirit of John Adams.

No real news there.

I had to read page 3 several times in order to squeeze out the point of the “legacy”. Hard-wired to identify the strange, trained defensively and evolved in way to remember the unusual rather than the routine, that all makes sense to me. Still, that summary seems incomplete or somehow not fulfilling. One would think we ought to have a better reason for being so inclined to see the profile of Jesus on burnt toast.

But, then again, maybe not.

One of the reasons I couldn't sleep was that I was fortunate to be busy in Orlando this past week. On Wednesday, I stopped in a small place just outside the gates of the University of Central Florida for lunch. With all the campaign activity, the climate was admirably invigorating. During my lunch of eggs and toast, which formed no remarkable religious profile that I can recall, I read the political highlights in the local paper. The front page described several events including an appearance by actress Alicia Silverstone in which she urged the young folks to get out and vote. In the article, the quotes included her description of younger voters as concerned and eager but she wanted to do everything she could to encourage them because, as she warned, “they might forget”.

Finding this quote rather curious, as I was paying for my tab, I read the Silverstone quote aloud to the young waiter and asked him what, exactly, did she mean? Was she saying they would forget who to vote for or just forget when to vote or even maybe forget where to vote?

The young waiter, about 23-ish, lowered his head and grimaced painfully. Without looking at me, he handed me my change and said, “Sometimes I am so embarrassed by my generation.”

I gave him a good tip and reminded him that shame is a darkened corner where every generation has found itself rudely settled from time to time.

But rather than Orlando, the shameless February study referenced on page 2 of the Newsweek article surely must have transpired in Great Britain.

... scientists induced feelings of loneliness by telling (the subjects) that a personality questionnaire they filled out revealed that, by middle age, they would have few friends and be socially isolated. After this ruse, participants were more likely to say the believed in ghosts ... (etc, etc)”

Now that excerpt is comical on many fronts but suddenly I couldn't stop laughing. To me, the premise sounded like a twisted scene from Monty Python.


“Yes, Mister Winston-Evans, thank you so much for assisting us with our study.”

“Oh, my pleasure, sir!”

“Right. Everything regarding the questionnaire was satisfactory from your viewpoint, I presume?

“Absolutely, yes, and I am very anxious to hear ...”

“Umm, very well, let's get on with it, shall we? Ahh, I see here that according to your answers our researchers have determined that you will die a homeless wino.”

“What?”

“It's true, I'm afraid, but before your sudden demise you will earn a small fortune ...”

“Well, I guess that's, at least something ...”

“Before losing it all in a real estate scheme, just after your wife snips off your little willy with garden shears in the middle of the night. Tell me, now, how does that make you feel?”

“Well, I, I, I'm shocked, I would say.”

“I see. Stuttering, difficulty interpreting your emotions ... fascinating! Say, do you now more or less believe in Big Foot?”

“Excuse me?”

“Sasquatch, the Yeti, you know, giant abominable snowmen and the like ... answer quickly before the ruse wears away, please.”

“The ruse? Are you saying this is a put on?”

“Damn! Not again! We thought we almost had you there.”

“Eh? What kind of people are you, anyway?”

“Scientists, my friend, with much work to do. Please disregard the results and move on ... note to research screening department, please try harder to find more gullible introverts, thank you .... NEXT!”

Cheers,
Mb

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